ArcadePenny....JokesCarsTrainThe BusBobMusicMoviesLegoLinksRestaurantBest Of

Jokes Page 1Jokes Page 2Jokes Page 3Jokes Page 4

 

Things you can say at Thanksgiving and get away with!

 

  1. Talk about a huge breast!

  2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

  3. It's Cool Whip time!

  4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

  5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

  6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

  7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

  8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

  9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

 10. Don't play with your meat.

 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

 20. Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.

 21. How many are coming?

 22. Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest.


A blonde is driving on the highway. She looks over and sees another blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"

  The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."

  Blonde #1 says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."


"Things You Should Know"

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the
guy who owns it.

Behind every great man is a great woman.... 
behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without a boner, make him a sandwich.

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
It's for Dick heads!

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blow jobs while they're behind the wheel.

A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women.
You know what happened?
He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle!

Men are like bagpipes....
You won't get anything unless you blow them first.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

What's the definition of a bastard?
A man who boinks you all night with a 2 inch penis, then
kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.


"The Rent"

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


A Few Facts....

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications.

3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.

4. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out in terror.

5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

7. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

8. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

9. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP.

10. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

11. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

12. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.

13. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."

14. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

15. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

16. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.  (And you thought they were pigskins!)

17. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

18. There's an average of 178 sesame seeds on McDonald's Big Mac bun. 

19. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

20. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

21. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

22. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

23. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

24. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.


HANDY GUIDE TO THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
----------------------------------
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.


BATHROOM SCRIBBLES
--------------------
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom
Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library
Harvard University, Cambridge, MA

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
- Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

God made pot.
Man made beer.
Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times, Washington, DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
-The Janitor

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY


FUCK....

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many Grammatical catagories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see there are very few words with the overall versitility of the word fuck. Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:

1  Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2  Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3  Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4  Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now."
5  Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6  Disgust..........."Fuck me."
7  Confusion........." What tha fuck....?"
8  Displeasure......."Fucking shit man...."
9  Lost.............."where the fuck are we?"
10 Disbelief........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11 Retaliation......."Up your fucking ass!"
12 Apathy............"Who really gives a fuck?"
13 Suspicion........."Who the fuck are you?"
14  Directions......."Fuck off."

It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......."It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description...."He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we Have a big fucking problem." ~tha crew of Apollo 13~


List of bumper stickers:

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken - Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're just jealous because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting Will They Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, You're Doing It Wrong.
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over (seen upside-down on a Jeep)
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Time For 75mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge.
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Iz Yer Toof Loose Or Are You Axing Me About Ebonics?
42. Body By Nautilus, Brain By Mattel.
43. Boldly Going Nowhere.
44. Cat: The Other White Meat.
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
47. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Before He Admits His Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Keeps The Kids In Touch.
52. Saw It....Wanted It....Pitched A Fit....Got It.
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
54. Grow Your Own Dope...Plant A Man.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
56. Some People Are Only Alive Because It Is Illegal To Shoot Them.
57. I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
59. BEER: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
60. So You're A Feminist...Isn't That Precious.
61. I Need Someone Really Bad...Are You Really Bad?
62. Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.
63. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
64. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
65. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of Biker's Vest]
66. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
67. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
68. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
69. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
70. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
71. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
72. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
73. If Progress Means To Move Forward, What Does Congress Mean?
74. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
75. He Who Dies With The Most Toys...Still Dies
76. He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
77. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
78. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person


Male & Female Bashing:


   Q: what's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
   A: 45 lbs.
   ________________________________________
   Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
   A: 45 minutes.
    ________________________________________
   Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
   A: Sexual harassment.
   _________________________________________
   Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
   A: $9.99 a minute.
   _________________________________________
   Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
   A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
   ________________________________________
   Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
   A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
   ________________________________________
   Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
   A: Made her chain too long.
   __________________________________________
   Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
   _________________________________________
   Q.  What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
   A.  Through his chest with a sharp knife.
   ________________________________________
   Q.  Why are men and parking spaces alike?
   A.  Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
   __________________________________________
   Q.  What have men and floor tiles got in common?
   A.  If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
   ___________________________________________
   Q.  What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
   A.  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
   ___________________________________________
   Q.  Why do men want to marry virgins?
   A.  They can't stand criticism.
   _________________________________________
   Q.  Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
   A.  Because those men already have boyfriends.
   __________________________________________
   Q.  What is a man's view of safe sex?
   A.  A padded headboard.
   ___________________________________
   Q Do you know why women fake orgasm?
   A.  Because men fake foreplay.
   _______________________________________
   Q.  What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
   A.  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
   _________________________________________
   Q.  What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
   A.  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
   _________________________________________
   Q.  What do you call a smart blonde?
   A.  A golden retriever.
   _________________________________________
   Q.  What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
   A.  A mechanic
   ___________________________________________
   Q.  Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
   A.  The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
   ___________________________________________
   Q.  Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
   A.  She is the one who can eat the last donut
   ___________________________________________
   Q.  Why does the bride always wear white?
   A.  Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
   ______________________________________________
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
   A.  The blonde, because she's 18.
   ____________________________________________
   Q.  Why do men take showers instead of baths?
   A.  Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
   _____________________________________________
   Q.  What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
   A.  You can negotiate with the terrorist
   _____________________________________________
   Q.  Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
   A.  He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
 


The Joke List Guaranteed to Offend Everyone on Your List: 
 
 
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. 
 
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? 
Through his chest with a sharp knife. 
 
Why are men and parking spaces alike? 
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled. 
 
Why do men want to marry virgins? 
They can't stand criticism. 
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 
Because those men already have boyfriends. 
 
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
 
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 
 
What do you call a smart blonde? 
A golden retriever. 
 
Why does the bride always wear white? 
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 
 
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? 
The blonde, because she's 18. 
 
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? 
Ask your Mom. 
 
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? 
Say, "Nice Dick." 
 
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? 
Because they have cotton balls. 
 
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 
 
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? 
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. 
 
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? 
Mace will do that to you. 
 
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? 
Everyone has the same DNA. 
 
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment. 
 
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
Breasts don't have eyes. 
 
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? 
Because they're not going to work in the future either. 
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? 
He walks around saying "Yo." 
 
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? 
A Pimp. 
 
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on 
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? 
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 
 
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? 
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. 
 
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck? 
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo". 
 
What's the first line of the Cuban National Anthem? 
Row row row your boat. 
 
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? 
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." 
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."


Work VS. Prison
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
 


Mathematics Primer....

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


This warning was issued in Cook County, although it's a dangerous phenomenon that you all need to be aware of....

Warning:

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting bar regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

Forward this to every male you know..........

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly-affected guys. For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the yellow pages.


"Engineers"

Comprehending Engineers - Take One: Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

***********************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

**************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark, $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 

***************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

 

***************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a biohazardous waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

***************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven:

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

 

***************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The Engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

**************************************************************************

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool."


Finally, something other than smiley faces....

 

Perfect breasts

(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts

( + )( + )

Perky breasts

(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts

(@)(@)

A cups

o o

D cups

{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts

(oYo)

Cold breasts

( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts

(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts

(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts

(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts

\ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts

( - )( - )

Jenny McCarthy's breasts

($)($)


Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a  "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself ...
 
Friend,
When you are sad,
I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
 
When you are blue,
I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
 
When you smile,
I'll know you finally got laid.
 
When you are scared,
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
 
When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
 
When you are confused,
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
 
When you are sick,
stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
 
When you fall,
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
 
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'till the end.
Why you may ask?
 
Because you're my friend!

PS: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.


Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed.
***********************************************

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.


Be VERY careful - ya never know who is around!!!!!!

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

 

ANSWERS:

1. A dentist

2. A wedding ring

3. Peanut Butter

4. A Chewing Gum

5. An elevator

6. A nose

7. A newspaper boy

8. A glove

9. A Crane

10. A toothbrush, of course


All About Sex....

 

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."  -Tom Clancy-

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Steve Martin-

 

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." -Drew Cary-

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen-

 

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." -Unknown-

 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -Rodney Dangerfield-

 

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." -Woody Allen-

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns-

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." -Matt Barry-

 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -Camille Paglia-

 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -George Burns-

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." -Lynn Lavner-


01/31/2010