ArcadePenny....JokesCarsTrainThe BusBobMusicMoviesLegoLinksRestaurantBest Of

Jokes Page 1Jokes Page 2Jokes Page 3Jokes Page 4

 

~ Dating Vs Marriage ~

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."


THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...
Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never
get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born-- In a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."


CHINESE PROVERBS . . .

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 

He does not have a BEER GUT - 
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY 

He is not a BAD DANCER - 
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN 

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - 
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS 

He is not BALDING - 
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION 

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - 
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS 

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - 
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL 

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - 
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION 

He is not a SEX MACHINE - 
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED 

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - 
He has SWINE EMPATHY 

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - 
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED 

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - 
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - 
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - 
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. 

She is not EASY - 
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - 
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. 

She is not DUMB - 
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 

She has not BEEN AROUND - 
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - 
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. 

She is not KINKY - 
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. 

She does not have a KILLER BODY - 
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. 

She is not an AIRHEAD - 
She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - 
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 

She is not HORNY - 
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 

She does not NAG YOU - 
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE 

She is not a SLUT - 
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - 
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - 
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE -
She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. 

She is not HALF NAKED -
She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
 
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY -
She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. 

She is not CONCEITED -
She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. 

She does not want to be MARRIED -
She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. 

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE -
She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. 

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS -
She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. 

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME -
She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. 

She does not GO SHOPPING -
She is MALL FLUENT. 

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY -
She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. 

She is not COLD or FRIGID -
She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. 

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP -
She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. 

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -
She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. 

She is not LOOSE -
She is MORALLY IMPAIRED. 

She does not have THIN LIPS -
She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT. 

She does not GET PMS
She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL 

She is not A BAD DRIVER
She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED 

She is not a PERFECT 10
She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR 

She does not HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is ATHLETICALLY BIASED 

She does not get DRUNK
She is ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED 

You do not ask her TO DANCE
You request a PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE 

She is not A GOSSIP
She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR 

She does not WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER 

She does not have A GREAT BUTT
She is GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS 

She is not HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED 

She is not COLD OR FRIGID
She is THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE 

She does not have GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are CENTRALLY LOCATED 

She does not SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION 

She does not have A HARD BODY
She is ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE 

She does not SUN BATHE
She experiences SOLAR ENHANCEMENT 

Her breast will never SAG
They will LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD 

She does not SHOP TOO MUCH
She is OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS 

She does not CUT YOU OFF
She becomes HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE 

She does not have BIG HAIR
She is OVERLY AEROSOLED 

She does not SNORE
She is NASALLY REPETITIVE 

She does not GET DRUNK
She becomes VERBALLY DYSLEXIC 

She does not have BIG HOOTERS
Her CUPS RUNNETH OVER


Hallmark Rejects

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the f#$k was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.

The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell untiI I met you.

We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

If you ever need a friend ... buy a dog.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

And for those of you in the South: Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad


Your daily moment of Zen:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet

24. Duct tape is like The Force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works


A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and i can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."


More Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say"

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool Dude 

2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her tits are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

9. Fuck "Monday Night Football," let's watch Melrose Place.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

11. It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my butt's too big.

19. It's okay, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Your mother's coming to stay with us again? Great!

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church.

29. No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.

32. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!


Maleness Test:

 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred  to as
 A. Lovemaking
 B. Screwing
 C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
 A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
 B. Your blood-test results.
 C. Five tequila slammers.

 3. You time your orgasm so that:
 A. Your partner climaxes first.
 B. You both climax simultaneously.
 C. You don't miss ESPN Sports center.

 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 A. Healthy, creative love-play.
 B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
 C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
 A. The best part of the experience.
 B. The second best part of the experience.
 C. $100 extra.

 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
 A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
 B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
 C. A conservative estimate.

 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
 A. A myth
 B. An oxymoron
 C. A moron

 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
 A. Appetizer is to entree.
 B. Primer is to paint.
 C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
 A. "I hope we can still be friends."
 B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
 C. "Welcome to Dumpsville , population, YOU."

 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
 A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
 B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
 C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


 Evaluating Results:

 If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

 If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

 If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"


Chili Cook Off:


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from Canada.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. 
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


Ponderables

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Age and Womanhood....

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18,

she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35,
she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45,
she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly
beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56,
she is like Europe, exhausted but still
has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia,
everybody knows it's down there,
but who gives a damn?


THINGS I'VE LEARNED

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
Some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others,
they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think
you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of
money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends,
because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.


Thank You For Flying...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate...

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Son, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said the pilot,"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage of the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."


20 USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH-STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of freaking sunshine?

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Do I look like a freaking people person?

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my dog.

7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

8. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be........?

9. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

10. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

11. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

18. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

19. Ohh? Did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

20. If I spread you with Preparation H, would you shrink down and become less irritating?


01/31/2010