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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom A few minutes  later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few  minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.  The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is  screaming.

  "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the  customers!"

  "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,  something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

  With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

 "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!


THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

Good:     Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad:      You can't find your birth control pills

Ugly:     Your daughter borrowed them

 

Good:     Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad:      You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly:     You're in them

 

Good:     Your husband understands fashion

Bad:      He's a cross-dresser

Ugly:     He looks better than you

 

Good:     Your son's finally maturing

Bad:      He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly:     So are you

 

Good:     You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad:      She keeps interrupting

Ugly:     With corrections

 

Good:     Your wife's not talking to you

Bad:      She wants a divorce

Ugly:     She's a lawyer

 

Good:     The postman's early

Bad:      He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Ugly:     You gave him nothing for Christmas

 

Good:     Your daughter got a new job

Bad:      As a hooker

Ugly:     Your coworkers are her best clients

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

 

Good:     You're son is dating someone new

Bad:      It's another man

Ugly:     He's you're best friend

 

Good:     You're wife is pregnant.

Bad:      It's triplets

Ugly:     You had a vasectomy five years ago.


A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET.

 I'll be across the field."  A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.  "What's wrong?" the father asked.  "I told you to be quiet."

 The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.  I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.  But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'  I guess I just panicked..."


WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

 The lineage is finally revealed.  Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt."  Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.   In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.  After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

 Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual  ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.  Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

 So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.


Three women were roommates.  One night they had all gone out on dates and came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third silently reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall; where they stuck, "Now THAT'S a good date!"


Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

 Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and up to the bar at the far end.  Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just screwed your mom and it was sw-e-et!"

 Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me----" Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad----you're drunk!"


The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.

 Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

 I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

 A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number times before I hit him.

 I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.

 In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.

 I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

 I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

 To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

 I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

 The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.

  John T. Hartigan

  LT , PSB

 Shift Supervisor


Seinfeldism's Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes! My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake! Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'!  I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning.  The men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it!  We just wake up and we want you!  And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?'  It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!

Mysteries of Women: I'm out with my wife the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.'  I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She says, 'I didn't know we were going to be walking!'...Hello?  Keep up with evolution!  We're walking now!  Feel free to slither!  She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst invention. Aren't they, ladies?  I've heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, you'd be a lot more comfortable.

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?'  I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach.  I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god!...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.  What do you get at the end of it?  A death. What's that, a bonus?  I think the life cycle is all backwards.  You should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch when you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement!  You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school!  You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.

Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials! The Cleo Awards.  A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you are not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at $2.95 a minute (into phone) "I'm not in the mood!"

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?  "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is 'Share the love!' Leave a message after the beep."  "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back.  Stop sharing the love!"


George Carlinisms:

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said,

"But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.

She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

*Better to be safe than.............punch a 5th grader
*Strike while the ........................bug is close
*It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings time
*Never underestimate the power of..........termites
*You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
*Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
*No news is................................impossible
*A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
*You can't teach an old dog new............math
*If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
*Love all, trust...........................me
*The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
*An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax
*Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
*Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
*A penny saved is..........................not much
*Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
*Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............you have to blow your nose
*None are so blind as....................Stevie Wonder
*Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
*If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
*You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
*When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

And the favorite...
*Better late than..........................pregnant


LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
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LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE VAGINA

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, Because I came this close to being a turd.
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LITTLE JOHNNY, THE SMARTASS

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says,"Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'  I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Wayne. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"he said. "Excellent, Wayne!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'"


20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


These pick-up lines are hilarious!!!!!!

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be cumming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you  treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

      Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

      Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

      Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?


Hooked on Ebonics:

 Leroy is a 20 year old 8th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

 Foreclose: If I pay alimony dis munt, I'll have no money foreclose.

 Rectum: I had 2 cadillacs, but my bitch rectum.

 Hotel: I gave my bitch crabs, and da hotel everybody.

 Disappointment : My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da big house.

 Penis: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.

 Israel: Alonzo tried to sell me a Rolex. I said man dat look fake. He said bullshit dat watch Israel.

 Catacomb: Don King was at da fights last night. Man somebody otta give dat catacomb.

 Undermine: Ders a fine looking ho livin in da apartment undermine.

 Acoustic: When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.

 Iraq: When we go to da pool hall I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.

 Stain: My mudder in law stopped by and I axed her if she was stain fo dinner.

 Seldom: My cussin give me 2 tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.

 Honor: At da rape trial da judge axed my buddy who be honor first.

 Odyssey: I tol my brudder, you odyssey da tits on dat ho.

 Axe: Da police wanna axe me sum questions.

 Tripoli: I was gonna by my bitch a bra fo her birfday but I couldn't find a tripoli.

 Fortify: I axed da ho how much, she said fortify.

 Income: I just got in bed wit da ho and income my wife.


Wisdom from the great man, Homer J. Simpson:

  1) "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids  with fake IDs."

 2) "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

 3) "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

 4) "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

 5) "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

 6) "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to all of life's problems!"

 7) "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

 8) "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

 9) "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

 10) "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

 11) "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

 12) "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

 13) "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

 14) "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

 15) "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name.

 16) We live in a society of laws Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

 17) Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"


The Dinner Guest

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the  bike must be left out in the rain.

 A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

 After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

 And no one says a word..!  Next he decides to take a more Direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word...!!!!

 By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

 And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.


01/31/2010