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One powerful word.

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

 CONSIDER THIS:

 You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit-headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit on. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumbshits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

 And remember.... Once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol containers. Some of the suggestions are as follows:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.


A Bad One!

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule.

Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies… 

The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her.


Things I've Learned...

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big Dick or huge tits.

 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

 

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

 

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

 

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

 

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

 

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

 

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

 

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.


A few words from the visionary Steven Wright
------------------------------------------

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


Just when you thought you had the worst job in the world, along comes something like this.

During a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, he gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this...

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this specific brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer. Remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested".

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."


A fellow buys a new red sports car and heads out on the interstate for a nice full throttle run. The top was down, the breeze was nice, he looks down and sees that he doing 90 and doesn't even feel it. 

Then he checks his rear view mirror, and sure enough, flashing red lights! He figures there's no way the cop can catch him so he nails it...100--110---at about 120mph he realizes the error of his ways and pulls over. 

The cop comes up to the window takes his license without a word and goes back to his car. The cop comes back and says, "I've had a tough shift and I don't need all the paperwork and trouble of running you in...give me an excuse I haven't heard before and you're off the hook!" 

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Off you go", said the officer. 


STOPPING AT A GREEN LIGHT CAN BE A HOLY EXPERIENCE 
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a HONK IF 
YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my car, and I am 
glad I did. 
What an uplifting experience followed! 
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about 
the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. 
"The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. 
Why, the guy behind me started honking like crazy. He must really love the 
Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled 'Jesus 
Christ' as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting 
'Go Jesus Christ, Go' 
"Everyone else started honking , too, so I leaned out the window and wave 
and smiled at all those loving people. There must have been a guy from 
Florida there, because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny 
beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck 
up in the air. 
I asked my kids what that might be. They kinda squirmed and looked at 
each other, giggled , and told me that was the Hawaiian good luck sign. 
"Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled 
something, I couldn't hear him very well but it sounded like 
'Mother Tucker' . Obviously, he really loved the Lord , too. 
A couple of people got so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got 
out of their cars and started walking toward me. I figured they wanted to 
pray, but just then the light changed so I stepped on the gas., and a good 
thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection! 
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a 
big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. 
"Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks......" 
Truly, it is a devout community and it's a wondrous thing that such an 
outpouring of piety can be obtained for the modest price of a bumper 
sticker. 


How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!
1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders". 
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle. 
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git". 
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos". 
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse. 
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!" 
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie". 
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt". 
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". 
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 
12. Daisy Duke screen saver. 
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..." 
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates. 
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template. 
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun. 
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver. 
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so". 
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".


A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
 
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
 
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
 
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
 
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

  Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

  A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

 

  Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

  A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

 

  Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

  A: Always wear a condom.

 

  Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

  A: Your car.

 

  Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

  A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.

 

  Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

  A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 

  Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

  A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

 

  Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

  A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

 

  Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

  A: The color.

 

  Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

  A: Heavy psychedelics.

 

  Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

  A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

  Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

  A: It would be tough to be a d---head all day long.

 


35 ways to call sum1 a blond polock!

   1. A few clowns short of a circus

   2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

   3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity

   4. A few beers short of a 6-pack

   5. Dumber than a box of hair

   6. A few peas short of a casserole

   7. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box

   8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

   9. One Fruit Loop shy if a full bowl

   10. One taco short of a combination plate

   11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

   12. All foam, no beer

   13. The cheese slid off his cracker

   14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

   15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

   16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

   17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

   18. Too much yardage between the goal posts

   19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

   20. As smart as bait

   21. Chimney's clogged

   22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

   23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair

   24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

   25. Forgot to pay this brain bill

   26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

   27. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

   28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

   29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely

   30. Missing a few buttons on her remote control

   31. No grain in the silo

   32. Proof that evolution can go in reverse

   33. Receiver is off the hook

   34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

   35. He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.


Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
 
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
 
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?"
 
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"


LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON


We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"?

Here goes:
 (_!_) a regular ass
 (__!__) a fat ass
 (!) a tight ass
 (_._) a flat ass
 (_^_) a bubble ass
 (_*_) a sore ass
 (_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
 (_o_) an ass that's been around
 (_O_) an ass that's been around even more
 (_x_) kiss my ass
 (_X_) leave my ass alone
 (_zzz_) a tired ass
 (_o^o_) a wise ass
 (_13_) an unlucky ass
 (_$_) Money coming out of his ass
 (_?_) Dumb ass


THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
From the Late Show With David Lettermen


10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.


and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!


Confucious say:


Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin, like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


01/31/2010