A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use
the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Maria put up her hand up and said, "My
family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see los pyramids and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Pepito said, "My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
Adventurous........................Slept with everyone
Contagious Smile.................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure..............On medication
Friendship first..................Former slut
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing
Large frame......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
International Rules of Men:
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday
is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by
a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
First date:* You get to kiss her goodnight.*
Second date:* You get to grope all over and make out.*
Third date:* You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
First Date:* You both get blind drunk and have sex.*
Second Date:* You both get blind drunk and have sex.*
20th Anniversary:* You both get blind drunk and have sex.
First Date:* You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.*
Second Date:* You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.*
Third Date:* You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.*
5th Anniversary:* You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.*
6th Anniversary:* You find yourself a girlfriend.
First Date:* You get dynamite head.*
Second Date:* You get more great head.*
Third Date:* You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
First date:* You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.*
Second date:* You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.*
Third date:* You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date:* Meet her parents.*
Second date:* Set the date of the wedding.*
Third date:* Wedding night.
First Date:* You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.*
Second Date:* You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.*
Third Date:* You get to pay her rent.*
Tenth Date:* She's pregnant by someone other than you.
First Date:* You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.*
Second Date:* She's pregnant.*
Third Date:* She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The Mind of Steven Wright - a
man with a quirky mind.
THE MIND OF STEVEN WRIGHT...
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced
by exact duplicates."
Here are some more of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death..... twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.
Airplanes versus Women....
Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing!!!!!
A History Lesson .....
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
Memo from Human Resources
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: What seems to be the problem?
INSTEAD OF: What crawled up your ass and died?
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting....
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done:
1: do it yourself.
2: hire someone to do it.
3: or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles
per hour with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her
I looked away for a couple
seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!
I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined
the damn phone and disconnected an important call!!!!!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!
Things Not To Say During Sex
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Horoscopes by Adam Sandler
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you do not pay
attention to anyone or anything. Everyone thinks you smoke a lot of dope.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick
to reprimand, Impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you
for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which
makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison
is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most
leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation
more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is
sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.
If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit.
There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Five Kinds Of Sex....
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F... You!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.....